Hi guys! We have Alek Martin stopping by today with his autobiography The Loss of Self, we have a very frank excerpt so check out Alek’s story and enjoy! <3 ~Pixie~
The Loss of Self
My path of Self-Destruction to the point of total humiliation
An Intimate Autobiography
This is an intimate autobiography not fiction.
About The Loss of Self: My path of Self-Destruction to the point of total humiliation
A very private and intimate Autobiography of the last seven years, my fall from “Grace,” as I like to describe it.
Death, Sex, lots of absurd, artificial
An appalling Break-up, which was the Catalyst to it all.chemed-Sex.
H.I.V., Bankruptcy, Almost-Suicide, Meth and so much more!
I lost faith in humanity
I lost myself.
I always had rules, goals and boundaries which I lived by endearingly, but after the Death of my beloved Grandmother, I started a Path of Self-Destruction to the point of total shame.
Do you know what it feels like to be standing on the Edge of a building, you have nothing to lose, and the only thing that keeps you from jumping is to return to an abusive Boyfriend who has nothing else to offer you, but to lie to you, to control you and to take the next puff of the Meth pipe!
Would you go back?
Back to the gay Lifestyle I never asked for.
To a Lifestyle where I ended up having Sex for Cash, me of all people?
Why, one must wonder, why?
I kept on punishing myself.
I accepted that my own boyfriend brought guys home and had sex with them in front of my face, looking me straight in the eyes.
And his eyes were saying:
“I’m going to break you, and you will accept everything I am going to give you”, and I did with little resistance.
I enforced his behaviour by overeating and
I lost my body.
Why did I let this happen?
What is my problem?
Why on earth would I who was successful in business and Life, always had monogamous, and highly Moral Relationships accept all this?
After 44 years on this earth, I finally discovered why!
My “Core Problem” wasn’t the people I met, they were merely clones that I choose very distinctively yet totally unaware.
I recreated the worst of all relationships, the one I never had, The one I never understood.
The relationship between my mother and myself!
It’s about the fact that she never fought for me, she never placed me first, and that behaviour made me feel not worthy, not good enough.
She never chose me!
But you have to fight and understand your “Core Problem” and deal with it, as harshly and honestly as you can!
It will hurt, and sacrifices will have to be made, but the pain isn’t anything compared to the pain that you will encounter if you don’t!
The Miami Moment
Menintogear was down the drain; the official news came in from my accountant!
I was officially broke!
My investors drove me crazy, and I was totally and utterly financially dependent on Georg.
I had sold everything.
This was the first time in my grown-up life that I was dependant on someone else.
His ways were worse than ever, careless, drunk and high all the time.
His drunken abusiveness became more frequent, targeting only me!
He screamed, he threw things around, I couldn’t take it anymore!
Yes, I went back to him even after the Boston incident.
That is what this book is about co-dependence at its best.
The weather here in Miami was Stormy and flooding was everywhere.
I didn’t know anymore what to do, how to get myself out of this situation, where to turn and I had no one to talk to.
I was estranged by my fault with all my friends, as they were sick and tired of listening to me about the same story over and over.
I was in this mess all by myself.
Georg had to be conquered, but I just didn’t know how to.
Georg made all the money and kept it very well hidden.
My desperation was immense.
My primary investor was infuriated with me, as he believed it was my fault that the Project Menintogear went down the drain.
But it wasn’t. I still felt tremendous guilt.
Could I have done more? No, but yet again my trust in the wrong people broke this wonderful project.
I understood him very much, as I would’ve been mad as well, But what was I supposed to do?
And for the first time in my life, the Idea of killing myself became a daily thought, and I was starting to worry about my safety very much.
The situation was simple; I was broke, except for the 15000 Euros from Georg, which he wasn’t gone pay me back, I was homeless, and I refused to Escort, I had to vomit when I thought about it and got extremely depressed and mad when he did it, even now, after I no longer loved him, it still bothered me.
The day came where physical violence took over, and he and I went at it.
It was terrible, and it started with the fact that I told him to please stop doing chems with his customers, as I wanted to have a break from it all, a well-deserved break as I needed to make better decisions so staying sober and focused was key.
And let me tell you that Georg without Chems was rather boring but high he was a terror a fucking horror, but Georg on chems and alcohol was unbearable!
Either I would strike him that he would die and I would end up in jail for the rest of my life, or I needed to escape, but how and one of a sudden the idea of suicide was the only way out, and it was calming me tremendously.
So the day came
It was a very stormy outside, and I love those days, if I am happy and content, which haven’t been now in 2 years and six months.
I looked out the window and had no idea what I thought about. I was staring at whatever without any thoughts! I was empty!
I got dressed looked at the flat and saw this mess of a man, in bed sleeping,
which was the only time I had peace of him, and I left the flat, sometimes I just sat there feeling the peacefulness of the situation, and that became my sanctuary.
The flat was about 200 meters away from the Ocean, which I walked towards.
The waves that normally calmed me were wild and tempered.
I couldn’t relax as my back was against the wall.
I didn’t see the solution, so I walked and walked until I ended up on some building, I don’t know how many floors up, but it was as high as I’ve ever been!
I stood on the edge and looked around being almost blown off.
And here are my thoughts:
My grandmother is gone, My mom the person that raised me, my family and I don’t talk anymore since, I lost my business, my car, my dignity, my belief system and I am raping myself over and over.
I am afraid of Georg, so much that at times I can’t breathe, I am broke, Menintogear which was a chance to get out of this mess, is down the drain, not because it was a bad idea but because I got framed, yet again and I have no one to talk to, My investors might eventually sue me.
I felt no way out and slowly, but surely the thought of leaving life was making me feel relaxed and chilled, and I moved towards the edge.
I stood there for hours, and then a thought hit me:
“What about my sister, how will she feel, when she gets the news of my suicide and what about my beautiful little niece?”
And then and there the fighter within me arose back to life.
I told myself:
I’m not jumping because I don’t have the guts, but because I’m not done with this life, and no Georg will send me to hell.
If so, I will decide and no one else.
“You will go back to this horrible and unbearable situation and take all, all you can handle, and when that moment arrives, you will exit this hell.”
And so I did!
I walked back to him, and his degrading, immoral Lifestyle.
I went into the house, and he was awake, high already, the pipe loaded with meth and the GHB bottle next to it.
But I didn’t care anymore.
Something within me knew what to do, and I can be very persistent.
I looked at him, went into the bedroom and for the first time locked it and put my headphones on, and longed for the day when it was all over.
That was the day where I started to plan my Exit!
“I used to lie and embellish, so I could somehow function and deal with my life, my family! I dared to face the truth and since then I’ve been able to rebuild and found the real meaning of my life!”